Sunday, April 9, 2017

the number of the vessels was 8

Our babies turned one year in January.  As I reflect on all that has happened in our lives since they became a part of it I am filled with emotion. Even the idea that we could have chosen not to have another child (which became 2) is unthinkable to me now.  The depth to which our lives have been touched by these little people is almost impossible to describe.  I believe we are all better, happier and less selfish because of the sweetness their spirits have brought to our home.  It wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t also admit that this last year has pushed us physically, emotionally and spiritually in painful ways. There have been so many times when I wondered how I could be strong enough to do what was required to help my growing family to become all they could become with my limited abilities, many other times I felt strength come at times when I knew I was not doing this alone.  Truly God has sent heavenly and earthly angels to lift and bless our family when we have needed it the most. 
There was a time while on my mission in Russia, that I had felt that when I became I mother I would have 8 children and had shared this idea with Derek even before we were married.  This dream quickly faded as we married and had our first child and I realized my many, many weaknesses regarding parenting.  I struggled deeply with feelings of inadequacy, self doubt and discouragement that I would never be the kind of mother I had dreamed of being.  Derek lovingly encouraged me to keep trying and doing my best.  We had our first 3 babies within 3.5 years.  It was a crazy time!  I loved my boys so, so much but continued to feel overwhelmed and discouraged. I didn’t suddenly gain confidence in myself but in quiet ways I could feel myself becoming stronger and more capable of feeling joy in the journey of motherhood.  I remember having a very special moment during these difficult years when I distinctly understood that what I was doing for my children could not be done by anyone else.   I had left the classroom to spend my days changing diapers and cleaning toilets. For years I had wondered if anything that I was doing in my home from day to day made a difference. At that moment I knew that it made a world of difference to these little people in my care.  Students come and go but these little people would be mine forever.  Even in all my weaknesses, I was giving a gift to my children.  I was choosing to bring them into the world and doing all I could to help them grow to be the people God hoped them to become.  This was a sweet turning point.  
More years went by and more sweet babies joined our family.  After each baby came I experienced a degree of the postpartum depression I had felt with my first baby, but I could feel my sense of purpose gently growing and strengthening me.  After we found out that baby #6 would actually be 6 and 7 we both remembered the experience I had as a missionary.                                                                                  
When I went to the ultrasound revealing the twins gender I had felt certain that one of the babies would be a sister for Adelaide. When the ultrasound tech told us we would have 2 little boys I immediately commented to Derek that we could possibly have one more baby meant to join our family.  I’m not sure that was the right moment to bring up the idea as we were just digesting the thought of having 6 sons.  I decided to keep this thought in my heart and think on it a while.  Not too long afterward my Sister Becky had a deeply spiritual experience in the temple during which she felt impressed to share with me that there may be a sister to join our family at some point.  I was so happy to hear her experience and knew that if I was meant to have another baby that Derek would also feel the same eventually and he did.
At my postpartum checkup after the twins I made a plan with my OBGYN about the best window for conceiving our last baby.  I was fast approaching my 40th birthday and knew that we needed to try for it sooner than later but the doctor reminded me that after a C-section I needed to allow at least 18 months between births.  When I started reading up on my odds of conceiving at my age I tried not to be discouraged.  I also realized that since Adelaide was a happy surprise, we had never successfully figured out how to conceive a girl. All our attempts at conception have resulted in boys. Despite all these odds I pushed forward with confidence.  When I found out I was pregnant I was overjoyed.  Less than 8 weeks later I lost the baby.  At this point I felt spiritual confusion and doubt.  I knew I was supposed to try for this last baby but was my age the reason for the miscarriage? Did God want me to keep trying or was all of it just meant to be a spiritual exercise? I had followed heart and done my best, was that enough?  Perhaps that little sister was only meant to be conceived and not ever born.  All these thoughts kept me from feeling the confidence I had once had at trying for one last baby.  
One night I said a simple prayer explaining to God that I wanted one more baby but didn’t have the confidence or strength to move forward and that I didn’t know how.  God heard my simple prayer. On Christmas day, I discovered that I was pregnant again!  2016 was a truly remarkable year.  In one calendar year I had carried 4 babies! The twins were born in January, I became pregnant again in October and then again in early December.  Think of all those hormones, no wonder I’ve been so emotional! 

Tomorrow is our 20 week ultrasound and I find myself feeling excited and nervous.  I believe that Adelaide’s little sister could very well have been the baby that didn’t make it.  This helps me feel that no matter what we learn tomorrow we will win. The idea of having 7 sons is crazy but sweet and amazing and of course if it’s a girl we will also be thrilled.  If God can bring us to it, He will bring us through it!
Cast your vote and let us know what you think our baby will be!


  1. I've felt much love and inspiration from this blog. Motherhood is certainly trying and relying on the spirit through the journey is sometimes hard. Thank you for being such a bright example of truth! Can't wait to hear if number 8 is a boy or girl. :)

  2. We think it is a girl! Love every word Sara! Love you so much! Praying for you!

  3. A girl! A girl! But ultimately everyone's desire: a healthy baby.

    What a beautiful testimony of your faithfulness and of God's faithfulness. I love that during your mission so long ago you felt called to become a mother of 8. I want to quote what I recently wrote when I blogged about prayer:

    "As dwellers in the 21st century and as people God has called and claimed in baptism, we will receive personal, individual revelation—just as the scriptures witness to countless individuals to whom God has revealed Godself and God's intentions. What God asks of us always will be for the greater good, and will align with better or best options for the families and communities we belong to and interact with; God's intentions for any of us ultimately will lead to the well-being and betterment of all creation. We literally can invoke God's words and Jesus Christ's presence in scripture to measure and test what we hear!"

    here's the blog post: Porch Stories: Prayer

    Love and hugs and hope!

  4. I hope it's a girl! You are crazy lol!! So many freaking kids!! And somehow you still have an incredible body???!!! What the crap! I have no kids and a disaster of a body lol. I don't think I could handle even 1 kid. 8 kids??? Get yourself a show on TLC right now!! Haha I miss You! I hope you are doing well. -Love ceebs

  5. I am so happy for you and your family. Becky told us your good news when we ran into her at the Spicy Thi. I think we need to have another reunion so everyone can meet your adorable 8! Love you! Tammy